Decisions, Decisions: Part Deux

Okay, Glasses Gurus– It’s time to help me pick out my new frames again! Last time around, a number of you commented on the blah-ness of some of the frames in the photos. You helpfully (and nicely!) pointed out that those particular frames did not have what it takes to grace my face for the next half decade or so. I heard you loud and clear. The last thing I want is to live for the next five years without having even one person say ‘wow– I like your glasses!’ or ‘there goes Dana, the girl with the cool glasses’. (Not like anybody would actually say that. Out loud. Except for maybe me. If I had cool glasses, that is. Moving along.)

Many people also commented that all of the glasses sat too low on my face. There are three reasons for this: 1. The bridge of my nose is very low in relation to the position of my eyes. 2. My eyebrows are very high, creating the illusion of even more space between my brows and my frames. 3. My ears not only ‘hang low’ (as described in that horrid ‘do your ears hang low?’ scouting song… thankfully, they do not also ‘wobble to and fro’, and I have never once been able to tie them in a knot OR tie them in a bow.), but they also sit at two different levels of low. Lopsided ears. It makes for great experiences shopping for glasses. Clearly, I am swimming in a pool that is positively teeming with superior genes. And the moral of this story is: barring any nose jobs or radical ‘ear placement corrective surgery’, my glasses will most likely sit low. (Indeed, my current glasses sit low, but it is less noticeable because they are translucent.) Together, we are simply trying to pick a new pair of glasses that will minimize the damage.

Finally, I had a few people ask me what I was looking for in a pair of glasses to begin with. I understand it can be hard to pass judgment on a selection of frames if you don’t even know what I’m hoping to find! Hence, here is my abridged List of Things I Must Have (Or Must Not Have) in a New Pair of Glasses:

- Frames must be cool and stylish enough to garner random compliments from strangers on the street. This sounds like a bizarre and slightly conceited criterion, but I can’t help it. I have had pretty cool glasses for the last 10 years*, and now I simply refuse to blend in, frames-wise. (*We will not speak of my glasses before then. Suffice it to say: they were very early 1990s (think early Bill Gates-esque glasses on a 12 year old) and they gave me a rash. All over my forehead. Curse nickel coating!)

- Frames must not be outlandish enough to garner hushed whispers about their horribleness behind my back. There are three main reactions to glasses:

1. Appreciation and/or admiration: can be silent or spoken. Example: “Do those frames ever look great on you!” or “My inside voice silently approves of that woman’s choice of glasses.”

2. Repulsion and/or nasty gossip: usually done in an inside voice, but sometimes slips past the filter of Better Judgment right into the outside voice. Example: “Yikes! Those glasses make her look cross-eyed!” or “Wow! Your new frames are… different!”

3. No reaction at all. Nothing about the frames stands out, for better or for worse.

… as you might well imagine, I am going for Reaction #1. I’m not interested in Reactions 2 or 3, but I’m particularly not looking to invoke Reaction #2.

- Shape/colour of frame must not cause me to look any of the following: cross-eyed, sad, angry, dowdy, shy, aggressive, or as though I am on my way to church (though I’m sure Jesus would appreciate a nice looking pair of frames, too. Ed. note: forgive the sacrilege. Cough.)

- Shape of frame must compliment the fabulous arch of my excellently groomed eyebrows. Pavi from Sunrise Salon & Aesthetics does an admirable job of curbing my inner Bert (of Sesame Street fame), and I definitely want my glasses to showcase her work. (PS: For anybody interested in trying out threading in Victoria, it is cheap, cheap, cheap! 10 bucks gets you the initial eyebrow shape and 6 bucks gets you groomed every 2 to 3 weeks after that. I highly recommend it.)

OK, OK, on with the actual frames. I visited two boutique shops in Victoria this weekend: ArtSee in Oak Bay and Goo Goo Goggles on Fort Street. Here are the latest exhibits from which you may choose: (warning: photo heavy post ahead. Photos taken before the mould spores colonized my eyelids.)

Exhibit A: Kliik, Kliik

Forgive the glare. And the fluorescent lights. And the blur.

Here are some two-toned Kliik frames. The good news? I love the colours and the general shape of them… kind of cats-eye, kind of fitting-with-my-beautiful-eyebrows. The bad news?

Is it just me, or are these frames a little too small and a little too cross-eyed inducing? It could be this particular photo, but it looks like they sit too far on the right hand side of my face– like they should be stretched a bit to cover my whole left eye, too. (Because ultimately, my left eye would love to see clearly as well. My right eye can’t have all the fun.) Discuss.

Exhibit B: Why Am I Even Including These As An Exhibit?

These glasses are maroon-ish on the outside and turquoise on the inside.

Meh. I thought so, too.

I tried them on right before we went to the movie theatre. Sadly, they were the best frames at that particular store. Full disclosure: We hadn’t visited the boutique stores yet. This was still at The Mall. Suddenly, everything makes sense again.

I like the turquoise. That's about it.

Exhibit C: Finally, We Are At A Boutique Store And Do Not Have To Take Photos Underneath The Fluorescent Lights!

The coolest part about these next frames is that they function as two (or more!) different pairs. (And frame options in a single pair = value.) Different skins can be clipped onto the front of the frames, magically transforming them from simple daywear to sassy, night-on-the-town facial companions.

Simple Accounting Assistant by day...

Sassy and sophisticated by night!

My expression in this photo is not sassy, but my frames certainly are!

I have to say it: I love those silver squares! Plus there’s something about having different clip options available that tugs hard on those spendthrift heart strings of mine. (These are the same heart strings that are responsible for buying toilet paper in bulk and random household items on sale just because they are ON SALE. I am a sucker for sales and Val-U. Must be my peasant genetics kicking in.)

Exhibit D: These Looked A Lot Better In Person.

These frames are made of titanium– a virtual guarantee that they will not induce an allergic rash on my nose and forehead. Being made of titanium is also a virtual guarantee that they will be the most expensive frames of the bunch ($962 with lenses!!! NEARLY ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!). But I digress.

Truth be told, these glasses looked great at the store. I tried them on in green and was pretty much sold on them (the green ones). Marty and the optician drew on the lenses to customize the shape of them (mainly to make them less wide), and we even discussed the pros and cons of Transitions lenses in such a frame. (I was going to get them with Transitions. The optician even stood outside for a while with us to do a real time demonstration of how Transitions lenses work. They’re pretty cool.)

I liked the green ones the best.

But, then we got home and I saw the horrible photos:

Hello, Glare!

Although the lens is nearly invisible in person, it positively glows in photos. (Hi, Marty! Need a mirror? No problem! Just look into my magical glasses!) If I could avoid ever taking a photo of myself again, I might consider these frames. But looking back on all of the photos, I’m kind of disappointed. I remember them being much cooler than they seem here. Sigh.

Exhibit E: Yes, There Are Still More Exhibits

Love the pink. Love the red. I’ve always loved pink and red together, even when my best friend in Grade 4 insisted to me that pink and red clash together. I didn’t care then. I still don’t care. I love me the pinks and reds. Can’t we all just get along?

The problem with these frames:

They fight with my face. I think so, anyway. Too thick. Thoughts?

Exhibit F: I Promise There Are Only A Few More Exhibits

These are another pair of glasses that unfortunately seem to suffer in front of the camera. They looked way nicer in the store. We just had a hard time getting a non-blurry photo.

Kind of reddish, kind of brownish. Really metallic.

Again, they seemed and felt very stylish in the store, but I can’t really demonstrate that with the blurry photos:

Blinded by the light!!

Also, I’m having a hard time figuring out what is ‘too small’, considering my current glasses are on the large size. What do you say? Are these too small?

Exhibit G: Finally, The Final Exhibit!

These glasses are a dusty purple shade. I like the colour, but I’m also a bit leery of it, only because I’ve been in lilac frames for the past 5 years!

It was the end of a long day, and we were getting tired of trying on glasses. Hence, the facial expression. And yes, I know the glasses are sitting low.

I quite liked these frames– how the top corners were just lenses, how the temple pieces left the frame whenever the hell they felt like it, how the temple pieces were so thin, instead of thick like I’m used to:

More glare. Sorry. Also, please disregard greasy nose. Must be lingering Essence of Blizzard seeping through...

My biggest concern with these final frames is that they are too much like my current frames. It mostly has to do with colour. The frames also came in green, but unfortunately, it was not a green that complimented my skin tone at all. It was more of a neon lime green.

OK- Phew! Are you still with me? Fabulous! The same questions as before:

- What frame is your favourite and might cause you to approach me, a random stranger, to say so?

- What frame(s) belong in the ‘definitely not’ box? Why? (Note: costing NEARLY ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS is not a valid reason. It should be a great reason, but for the sake of argument, let’s pretend I have an Elton John budget to spend on glasses.)

- Do any of the frames seem to violate my Cardinal Rules of Glasses Shopping? Discuss.

Once again, THANK YOU for your input! Together, we will tackle this beast and emerge with fabulous new glasses to boot! OK, OK, I will emerge with fabulous glasses. You knew what I meant…

You Can Call Me Sigourney. As In Weaver.

An old story for context:

In Grade 4 Science Class, we were growing bean plants. We took small, dried beans and let them sit on a moist paper towel overnight so they could germinate. Then, we took the germinating bean seeds and planted them in a margarine container full of soil. We watered and waited and voila– there was a bean plant. Science at its best.

… Except somewhere in between the germinating and the planting, the watering and the waiting, my teacher decided to share with us a Cautionary Tale. One class, she told us the story of the Boy Who Put A Bean Up His Nose. This was no ordinary boy– no, and it was no ordinary bean, either. You see, the Foolish Boy somehow managed to put that bean so far up his nose that it implanted somewhere near his brain. And because it was so fleshy, warm, and mucousy up near the boy’s brain, the Magical Bean decided to sprout. Right inside the boy’s head! My teacher told us how the bean sprouted and grew right beside that boy’s brain, and how the plant started snaking around his eye sockets and into the fleshy parts beside the boy’s nose. Eventually, the boy required surgery to have the plant uprooted from his face. And so it went with the Cautionary Tale: Do not, under any circumstances, shove a bean so far up your nose that it takes root in your brain and grows beneath your skin in your face.

We listened to this Cautionary Tale, horrified. I don’t think it had crossed the minds of even the most misbehaved of students to shove a damn bean so far into their faces that it would grow! So there we were, nine years old, jaws dropped, bean seeds frozen in our grubby little hands over the margarine containers full of soil, listening to this horrible story. I was nauseous for weeks, months, even years after hearing this tale. Anything involving foreign matter + mucous membranes could make me feel faint and queasy, and this legend was, by no means, an exception.

Now that the stage has been set:

Just like any regular day, harbouring aliens in and around my eye sockets

The horrible news is that I have become like the Boy in the Cautionary Tale, except that I am a girl and I didn’t put any bean up my nose. It’s even worse than that, if you can believe it. You see, unbeknownst to me, my poor eyelids have become a hot spot for airborne mould spores. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you heard me correctly: MOULD!! EYELIDS!!!!!! SAME SENTENCE!!!!!!

My eyes (thank Jesus, Joseph, and Mary) are not actually harbouring mould inside of them– they are simply reacting in violent puffs and swells to airborne mould particles that have found their way from our neighbour’s plumbing system to beneath the carpet in our hall closet. But still: Sewage? + Mould migration? + My sweet and innocent eyelids? + All in the same sentence?! = disgusting!!

Apparently my eyes will look like raw, puffy meat until the mould is gone. I don’t know if this will mean tearing up the (new) carpet in our apartment or just letting the carpet dry out. Does anybody know? Are mould like sperm cells (i.e. they die when they dry?*) (*Don’t ask.) Can any natural anti-fungal concoction be cooked up to spray on our moulding carpet to kill the Sewage Borne Mould Cells before they mould and multiply any further?

In conclusion, I am thoroughly grossed out. Any Mould-B-Gone suggestions are welcome.

Bear With Me

No, I am not dead. I am, however, a wimp (or a diva. Or both) who needs an entire week to recover from 5 hours of selling artwork on a sunny day… Because, as you might already be aware, life is tough and all of the following things are incredibly demanding:

1. Being outside when the weather is nice.

2. Appreciating the arts.

3. Meeting people who also appreciate the arts.

4. Making money.

5. Recovering from Steps 1-4 by eating both pizza and a Blizzard (!!!!) on the same day.

(Ed. note: I have not had pizza in many, many moons– Level .0166667 Vegan, remember? And I have not had an effin’ Blizzard in years! See: Level .01666667 Vegan and the fact that DQ is pretty much gross. P.S.: dairy makes me ill. And P.P.S: there goes my membership in the exclusive Vegan club. Wasted on the silky seductiveness of a Dairy Queen Blizzard. For shame.)

Obviously, I had a great time engaging in Steps 1-4, but my body was seriously unimpressed when I rewarded it for all its hard work with a piece of pizza and a Blizzard. So that was hard work. The digestion part, I mean (or lack thereof).

Now, I am still tired and am just waiting for tomorrow (a day off!) so I can recharge and come back all shiny and new. Bear with me. I’ll be back soon.

… And Then I Blinked

Despite posting incorrect information about our whereabouts at the Moss Street Paint-In (whoops!), a surprising number of people still managed to find our booth on Saturday. So many people showed up, in fact, that my day kind of went like this:

10:30 am: Sauntered down to Moss Street to start setting up for the Paint-In. Figured that one and a half hours would be plenty of time to get ready for the event, which technically started at noon.

10:35 am: (struggling with our EZ-Up tent canopy) We are joined by some Paint-In early birds, who want to know what type of art Marty does. Um, we don’t even have any art out yet. We are still struggling with the tent. And we just got here.

10:45 am: The tent is up and our tables are standing. Still, there is nothing on the tables. 3 or 4 people stop by and talk to Marty and I about his artwork. We make a few sales and have to go to the van to unpack what has just been purchased.

11:00 am: We have already made enough sales to cover the cost of registration for the event, and it still doesn’t start for an hour or so. Now we strategize– I stay at the tables and engage the visitors while Marty makes umpteen trips to and from our van to gradually unload. More people show up to the booth with every item that gets put on the tables.

11:15 am: Passersby start inquiring about Marty doing a demo of his painting. Always a multi-tasker, Marty does a last bit of hustling and eventually manages to set up his easel. A painting demo begins. And the masses descend upon our booth (in a good way).

11:30 am to 4:30 pm: I think I managed to blink once or twice, and then the event was suddenly over. I had packed food to eat: there wasn’t time to eat. We had been given water bottles to drink from: there was barely time to drink. We had food vouchers to redeem at a mystery location on Moss Street: there was no leaving the booth, however– not even for 3 seconds! It’s a good thing we were so dehydrated by the end of the Paint-In, because had we needed to use the washroom during the event, we would have been screwed!!

Anyway, TONS of people showed up! We had such a great time! We met thousands upon thousands of people, and we made an impressive number of sales! Everything happened at such a dizzying pace, it was easy to forget that we hadn’t eaten anything or had something to drink since breakfast. Seriously, we were thriving! I was the master of the sales table and cash transactions, and Marty was great doing demos all day, posing for photos and answering questions. I would post photos from our camera, but the only opportunity we actually had to take a picture was long after the event was over:

We ended up at booth #69. Auspicious, no?

Thank you to everyone who stopped by to chat and say hello! It was amazing to be part of such a great event and to see how many people support local artists! THANK YOU!!