Six Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Dana L. But Were Too Afraid To Ask

Hooray for memes! I’ve been tagged by Kathy to tell you all six quirky yet boring and/or unspectacular details about myself. I think we can all agree that ‘boring’, ‘unspectacular’, and ‘yours truly’ do not belong in the same sentence together. However, quirky and I have been friends for a while. Hence, scrounging up six kind of quirky things about myself shouldn’t be too difficult a task. At all. Cough.

Q: Dear Dana L.: I am a modern woman who will be getting married next summer (!!! OMG! Can’t wait!!!). I still don’t know whether I should keep my maiden name or take my partner’s… what did you do? Signed — Forward Thinking in Florida

A: Dear Forward Thinking:

Being a modern woman myself, I had a hard time deciding whether to adopt Marty’s last name or to keep my own last name when we got married 3 years ago. I’ll spare you the painful (and pathetic) details of my personal mental debate: in the end, I kept my own last name (L.) but sometimes hyphenated it to L-M to be playful or just plain difficult (depending on who I was signing my name for). And then, just this March– after 2.5 years of being married– I legally adopted Marty’s last name, so I am now actually *officially* Dana M. Just because. (You’ll notice I still refer to myself as Dana L. in many places, though– it’s just my unspectacular way of having the best of both Eastern European worlds.)

Q. Dear Dana L., Do you have any quirky but mostly boring allergies? Signed — Sensitive

A. Dear Sensitive:

Like many people in this industrial world, I have a wide assortment of allergies and sensitivities. I’m allergic to cashews and that wretched nickel coating on many popular fashion accessories. I am lactose intolerant and I’ve recently discovered allergies to mould and some as-yet-unknown tropical plants that flourish in late May to mid-Julyish. These boring allergies aside, I’d also like to mention another chemical sensitivity that has helped make me into the woman I am today.

During my junior high and high school years, I developed an intense allergic reaction to whatever crap chemicals they put in/on disposable menstrual pads and pantyliners. At first, I was misdiagnosed with a plethora of bacterial and yeast infections until somebody finally realized that my poor crotch was not actually infected with anything– it was simply (but frantically!) trying to ward off the evil disposables from its general vicinity. My gynecologist eventually diagnosed me with the serious-sounding “Labial Dystrophy” (I am not making that up) and warned me not to wear disposable anythings in my underwear ever, ever again.

It was not a lot of fun to be seventeen and to have all sorts of unmentionable rashes and itches, but it was also a bit unnerving to make the switch away from my then-beloved Kotexes to all-natural, reusable cotton or flannel menstrual pads. I’ll admit that I was mighty hesitant about them at first (and confirm that I was probably the only female in my entire high school who wasn’t using either a tampon OR a disposable pad during my period), but the story has a happy ending: Lunapads saved my life! I highly recommend them.

Q: Dear Dana L.: I’ve often wondered… do you have a middle name? Signed — John Jonathan Smith

A: Dear John:

Yes I have a middle name. And even the government sometimes gets confused about it and thinks that my young parents naively named me after a coin with a beaver on it… It’s a long and mostly boring story.

Q: Dear Dana L.: Help! I will be attending yet another gala event for whining artists in the near future and don’t know how to really ‘wow’ everyone at the event with my hairstyle and makeup. Do you have any beauty tips or suggestions? Signed — Plain Jane

A: Dear Plain Jane,

I know what you mean about artists and gala events! I go to one with Marty at least every two weeks… and then we come home and complain about all of the free stuff we artists get! LOL!!

Anyway, back to your question: I used to love wearing makeup. When I was eleven. My favourite things were nail polish, eye shadow, and mascara. And now… I honestly can’t remember the last time I wore any makeup at all besides a natural beeswax lip balm. (This is some serious amnesia, coming from the woman who can remember all of her friends’ phone numbers since Grade 1.) Secretly, I don’t even own any makeup anymore, so even if I wanted to jazz myself up for the staff Christmas party or something, I would need to invest in all of the tools myself or book an appointment at the M.A.C. counter.

And my hair: I used to rock the short haircut, which necessitated the use of hair product. (You simply cannot have short hair and not use some sort of product.) However, now that my hair flows long and free like the ambrosia of the gods and goddesses, the most product my hair gets is shampoo. And conditioner… only occasionally. (So lazy and low-maintenance!) Alas, you are best off seeking beauty tips from somebody who actually has some sort of appearance regime. But good luck at the gala!!

Q: Dear Dana L.: I’ve heard you can tell a lot about a woman by the type of shoes she wears. Can you show us a picture of your shoe collection and give us an insight into the type of person you are? Signed — Shoes’ Clues

A: Dear Shoes:

Ah crap. First of all, I can’t show you a picture of my shoe collection because half of them have been in storage for 2 or 3 years now and the other half are stuffed into a wee little closet where a camera probably wouldn’t fit. And secondly, I can assure you that they don’t necessarily paint a very feminine or fashionable picture of myself.

To summarize the basic features of my collection:

1. I don’t own anything with high(er) heels. Flats only. (The truth is, it is physically impossible for me to walk in high heels with any sort of grace. My legs are wired so that my knees bend and jut out as soon as my heels are on a different plane than my toes.)

2. I wish I had at least one pair of knee-high black boots (flat ones!), but I have never been able to squeeze my ample calves into those cursed things. I end up with a muffin top… over boots! Not cool at all.

3. I used to collect a rainbow of retro-looking sneakers (New Balance, Puma, Adidas), but now I am down to just one crusty pair of pink and red New Balances. How sad.

4. The only pair of sandals I had (notice past tense) was a sporty pair that Marty stretched out after constantly sliding them on and off to run outside to our little garden or inside to the laundry room. They are much too small for his feet still, but they are now much too big for me to ever wear again. Blast!!

5. In short, I own an old pair of runners, one pair of hiking boots, two sad pairs of flat dress shoes that I keep at work to be ‘professional-looking’, one pair of Keen shoes (which I love!), and a messed-up pair of sandals. Exactly what does this say about me as a woman?

Q: Dear Dana L., What are your pet peeves? Signed — Always Annoyed in Alberta

A: Dear Annoyed:

Here is an annotated list of things (aka just two things) that bother me:

1. Having to wash cutting boards that have tomato juices and seeds crusted on to them. I can handle pretty much any other vegetable remnants stuck to a cutting board, but those damn tomato seeds are killer and bother me to no end.

2. Girls who sing to themselves in school hallways or on the street. (I really can’t explain why I get so furious hearing an angelic voice humming something to themselves. Does it bother me so much when men sing to themselves? No. Do I sometimes sing to myself when I’m walking to work or whatever? Yes. This one remains a mystery.)

Of course there are more things that bother me in this world, but there are also plenty of things that don’t bother me, like chocolate, puppies, and Fridays!

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And on that positive note, I choose String Theory, The Natural Bardo, Yarn Over Here, and Knitting Grammy to share six quirky but boring and unspectacular things about themselves with the rest of the internet! Go!!