Preamble To A Future Post About Relationships

Just so that you all know, I am a firm believer in the little pop-psych phenomenon known as The Secret. Yes, I know it sounds a little cheesy, perhaps a little materialistic, and also decidedly too ‘Oprah’ of me to count myself as a believer, but in my mind, The Secret is actually just a convenient label to apply to things that I’ve noticed happening throughout my entire life. I’ve called it karma, I’ve called it the law of attraction, and I’ve called it the Universe before– in any case, I am fully confident that I’ve materialized many things, people, and events in my life simply by thinking long and hard about them.

Anyway, now that we’ve got that out in the open (does anyone else here feel lighter?), allow me to describe a relationship I was in many years ago.

I had been dating Mr. Not-So-Right on and off for nearly two years, if you could even call it dating. He was a free spirit (read: flirt) who wanted nothing to do with the ball and chain of actual commitment, and I was so convinced that I could change him eventually (with my magical powers of SIMULATED LOVE and also PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS) that I often overlooked how badly I wanted/needed/craved commitment in a partnership. So our ‘relationship’ was mostly me being delighted any time he paid me even the slightest bit of attention and him probably thinking “whatevs”.

It went on like this for many, many months. I’d be like “pickmepickmepickmepickme!!” and he’d mutter something about needing to find himself. I’d be all “hihihihihihihihihihihihi!!!” and he’d say in a tired voice, “hey, What’s-Your-Face, I’m busy tonight”. Toward the end of our relationship, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with him and incredibly disappointed with myself. I felt I deserved (much! much!) more in a partner but couldn’t bring myself to end the patterns that just played over and over between us like a background scene in the Flintstones. I felt trapped, foolish, exhausted, bitter.

After nearly two years had passed like this, one day he announced that he was moving to Japan. Japan of all places! And just like that, he was gone. (Literally a day or two after he broke the news.) Poof!

I was furious with him for about three minutes (OK, it was a bit longer than three minutes) before an all-encompassing sense of calm wafted over me. Then I decided to tell myself (if only to feel somewhat better and less ripped off) that the Universe had intervened in our relationship on my behalf to interrupt the cycles I couldn’t break on my own. For some people, it might have been enough if the Universe had paired Mr. Not-So-Right up with somebody else in the same city, but for me– She Who Would Have Simply Waited For Him To Come Back– it required his move across the entire globe. Only then, with thousands and thousands of kilometers between us, could I begin to feel there was enough distance for me to start moving on.

Looking back, I am at once pained to see how pathetic I was in our interactions together and thankful to have had that (extended and lame) experience so I could define precisely what I DID NOT WANT in future relationships. And that’s exactly what I did.

After I had recovered from my brief pity party and not-so-brief sense of RAGE at him, I sat down and wrote up the Ultimate List of things I was looking for in my dream partner. Unlike my hilarious list of junior high fame (“must hang up photos of the two of us together, possibly framed, in his bedroom”), this list was concise and to the point. In fact, it only had three main bullet points on it. (And if you know me and my obsession with lists, this feat is incredible in itself.) When it came down to it, I realized that all I was really looking for in a partner was:

1. Security in Self

2. Direction In Life

3. Commitment In Partnership

That’s it. Simple, right? But Mr. Not-So-Right had none of these things, at least not with me, and I wasn’t going to put up with that any longer. I decided that since I had boiled down my once-infinite list of “Must Have” partner traits down to a measly 3 items, anything less than a perfect 3 out of 3 was no longer acceptable to me.

I wrote this momentous list on a high quality piece of looseleaf paper, folded it up, and tucked it away into my journal, trusting that one day I would find what I was looking for. And that’s when The Secret/The Universe/Karma started working her magic…

One Step Closer

I went into work the day after I found less-than-ugly Christmas sweaters at Value Village and told my coworkers my pitiful story. I shared with them how excited I had been to search for the Ugliest Sweater of All Time, and how disappointed I had been to find only Moderately Ugly Sweaters lining the Xmas aisle.

‘Where were the sequined Christmas trees and presents?’, I lamented to nobody in particular. ‘The jingle bells? The snowmen? And most importantly, where were all of the eye searing Christmas green and red tones?’

I sighed. Deflated, defeated– I went to my office and prepared for another long day of data entry, sans Perfect Christmas Sweater.

The following day, though, I was greeted by one of the temporary staff members and a Reitman’s bag that reeked of Bounce sheets.

‘Have I got just the thing for you, love’, she said. ‘Now turn around and close your eyes.’

Nervous but also a tiny bit excited, I turned around and waited. I heard the crinkle of the Reitman’s bag and the smell of Bounce grew much stronger. I resisted the urge to cough dramatically and to make exaggerated choking gestures with my hands around my throat. (For the record: I really cannot stand Bounce sheets. I hate them with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.)

‘OK, you can turn around now’.

Against my instincts and better judgment, I slowly swiveled in the general direction of the overpowering scent of Bounce and was greeted by a true gem of a Christmas sweater!!

It was a shocking shade of Christmas green!

Don't let my camera's tendencies to show turquoise colours fool you-- this sweater is full on CHRISTMAS GREEN!!!

It had tiny gold balls embedded into the fabric! It was positively saturated with sequins in a regular rainbow of colours!

Sequined!

Bedazzled!

In other words, IT WAS PERFECT!!!

The only downside to this otherwise-perfect Christmas sweater is that it is much too big for me. It will probably, however, fit Marty decently… (heheh, my poor husband dearest) Now I just need a women’s medium holiday sweater to magically appear out of the depths of my workplace and everything will be set!

Soup For You: Invented With Love By Dana L.

I am all about soups and stews these days. We have gone through our fair share of minestrones, potato leek, broccoli, and barley mushroom soups lately, but yesterday I made a real gem of a lentil soup and thought I needed to share the recipe with all of you…

Lemony Red Lentil Soup: Because I Care

You will need:

- 1 tbsp coconut oil or other cooking oil

- 1 large onion, sliced thinly

- 3 cloves garlic, crushed

- 3 carrots, diced (pieces should be around 1 cm cubed)

- 3 stalks celery, diced (1 cm cubed-sized pieces as well)

- 1 medium to large tomato, diced with juice and seeds saved

- 2 cups of dried red lentils, rinsed with cold water

- 4 cups vegetable broth

- 3 to 4 cups water, or to taste

- 1/3 package of chopped frozen spinach, thawed and rid of excess water

- 2 tbsp lemon juice

- 1 to 1.5 tsp rosemary

- 1.5 tsp salt (or to taste)

- ground pepper to taste

Directions:

1. After rinsing red lentils in several changes of cold water, let soak in fresh cold water for 15 minutes.

2. In the meantime, saute onions over low heat in oil in a large stock pot until onions are tender and transparent (around 5 minutes).

3. Add carrot pieces and 1/4 cup vegetable broth to pot. Stir, cover, and simmer for 5-10 minutes, until carrots become tender.

4. Add celery pieces, garlic, tomato (with juice) and 1 cup of vegetable broth to pot. Simmer with lid closed for another 5-10 minutes, until vegetables begin to soften.

5. Add the rest of the broth, water to taste, salt and pepper and bring to a boil. (Turn up the heat to bring to a boil).

6. When soup is boiling, add lentils (minus the soaking water), rosemary, chopped spinach and lemon juice. Simmer on low heat with lid on for 30 minutes.

7. Remove from heat and adjust seasonings as necessary. Serve warm and enjoy! (Makes 8 to 10 generous servings.)

In Search of The World’s Worst Christmas Sweater (aka Even My “Fun” These Days Isn’t Really Fun)

Gee, can you tell I am in the middle of my workplace’s fiery version of hell lately? A balance between work and play in my life is pretty much non-existent right now, unless you consider stressing about work EVERY SECOND OF YOUR LIFE, EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SO-CALLED “PLAYING” a healthy balance between work and play…

(Actually, things are not quite that bad just yet. Marty, bless his heart, is making a brave and valiant effort to rescue me from the point of no return and to escort me into the Land of Fun whenever he can, even if it means putting up with some pretty ludicrous ideas (mine, obviously) of what constitutes ‘fun’ these days.)

Speaking of ludicrous conceptions of fun, guess who had the brilliant idea that she wanted to host an Ugly Christmas Sweater Potluck next month? The concept, in itself, I think is hilarious and loads of fun! Can you just picture the scene?: A handful of people coming together for an evening of good food and company, but all decked out in the nastiest holiday sweater that thrift store dollars can buy! Acrylic yarn, snowflakes and/or snowmen, Christmas trees, tiny bells, holiday greens and reds, and glitter- lots and lots of glitter. We all know what constitutes an ugly Christmas Sweater, and I think it would be the best thing ever to have a room full of people wearing them ironically. (In fact, I nearly die laughing every time I picture this in my mind, so yes, you can assume that I am hanging onto my own sanity by a mere thread. Ahem.)

Anyway, now that I have this fabulous (and fun!) idea of the Holiday Sweater Party cemented in my mind, I’m having a difficult (aka ‘non-fun’) time searching for my perfect sweater. I just haven’t found anything that approximates the ugliness of the Christmas Sweater I have in my mind. (Because if you’re going to splurge on a holiday sweater at all, it had better be the WORST and UGLIEST sweater you’ve ever seen. “Aaaah! My eyeballs! They’re melting from the sting of the horribleness of it all!”)

We went to Value Village last night where they have a whole Women: Xmas aisle from which to choose a holiday sweater, but we left empty handed. (Even though everything was 50% off last night, too!) I found some great “Noel” appliqués stuck to a tired red sweatshirt, but I was picturing more of a complicated intarsia knit pattern on a too-tight-in-the-70s-way turtleneck white acrylic sweater. There was a grey sweater with horrific white teddy bears outlined all over the front, but I was hoping for something a little more obviously ‘Christmas’-themed (like Santa! Or a fully-decorated Christmas tree with presents underneath!)

What I am trying to say is that what started out as such a fun plan is quickly becoming less fun when I discover that the holiday sweaters of the world (read: Value Village) are not as nasty as I pictured them to be. However, before I slide back into my doom-and-gloom world of Nothing But Work again, I should remember that I’ve only been to one thrift store so far and that (like Marty says, dear soul) it might still be too early for stores to put out their nastiest selection of Christmas Sweaters just yet. I’m still on the hunt, and you can bet that when I find what I’m looking for, my current Facebook photo will be replaced with a grossly-Vaselined version of my cheery holiday self.

(Sing in Bono voice): "But I stiiiiiiil, haven't found/what I'm looking for!"

Any suggestions?