Just so that you all know, I am a firm believer in the little pop-psych phenomenon known as The Secret. Yes, I know it sounds a little cheesy, perhaps a little materialistic, and also decidedly too ‘Oprah’ of me to count myself as a believer, but in my mind, The Secret is actually just a convenient label to apply to things that I’ve noticed happening throughout my entire life. I’ve called it karma, I’ve called it the law of attraction, and I’ve called it the Universe before– in any case, I am fully confident that I’ve materialized many things, people, and events in my life simply by thinking long and hard about them.
Anyway, now that we’ve got that out in the open (does anyone else here feel lighter?), allow me to describe a relationship I was in many years ago.
I had been dating Mr. Not-So-Right on and off for nearly two years, if you could even call it dating. He was a free spirit (read: flirt) who wanted nothing to do with the ball and chain of actual commitment, and I was so convinced that I could change him eventually (with my magical powers of SIMULATED LOVE and also PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS) that I often overlooked how badly I wanted/needed/craved commitment in a partnership. So our ‘relationship’ was mostly me being delighted any time he paid me even the slightest bit of attention and him probably thinking “whatevs”.
It went on like this for many, many months. I’d be like “pickmepickmepickmepickme!!” and he’d mutter something about needing to find himself. I’d be all “hihihihihihihihihihihihi!!!” and he’d say in a tired voice, “hey, What’s-Your-Face, I’m busy tonight”. Toward the end of our relationship, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with him and incredibly disappointed with myself. I felt I deserved (much! much!) more in a partner but couldn’t bring myself to end the patterns that just played over and over between us like a background scene in the Flintstones. I felt trapped, foolish, exhausted, bitter.
After nearly two years had passed like this, one day he announced that he was moving to Japan. Japan of all places! And just like that, he was gone. (Literally a day or two after he broke the news.) Poof!
I was furious with him for about three minutes (OK, it was a bit longer than three minutes) before an all-encompassing sense of calm wafted over me. Then I decided to tell myself (if only to feel somewhat better and less ripped off) that the Universe had intervened in our relationship on my behalf to interrupt the cycles I couldn’t break on my own. For some people, it might have been enough if the Universe had paired Mr. Not-So-Right up with somebody else in the same city, but for me– She Who Would Have Simply Waited For Him To Come Back– it required his move across the entire globe. Only then, with thousands and thousands of kilometers between us, could I begin to feel there was enough distance for me to start moving on.
Looking back, I am at once pained to see how pathetic I was in our interactions together and thankful to have had that (extended and lame) experience so I could define precisely what I DID NOT WANT in future relationships. And that’s exactly what I did.
After I had recovered from my brief pity party and not-so-brief sense of RAGE at him, I sat down and wrote up the Ultimate List of things I was looking for in my dream partner. Unlike my hilarious list of junior high fame (“must hang up photos of the two of us together, possibly framed, in his bedroom”), this list was concise and to the point. In fact, it only had three main bullet points on it. (And if you know me and my obsession with lists, this feat is incredible in itself.) When it came down to it, I realized that all I was really looking for in a partner was:
1. Security in Self
2. Direction In Life
3. Commitment In Partnership
That’s it. Simple, right? But Mr. Not-So-Right had none of these things, at least not with me, and I wasn’t going to put up with that any longer. I decided that since I had boiled down my once-infinite list of “Must Have” partner traits down to a measly 3 items, anything less than a perfect 3 out of 3 was no longer acceptable to me.
I wrote this momentous list on a high quality piece of looseleaf paper, folded it up, and tucked it away into my journal, trusting that one day I would find what I was looking for. And that’s when The Secret/The Universe/Karma started working her magic…
dana..that actually gives me a good idea. I should also write up a list…because this negative worried state that I am always in, is not healthy for lil’D or myself…thanks for sharing your story…I too believe in “the secret”.