Talk to the Hand

I had my palms read a few days ago (at the mall, of all places). On one hand (ha! get it?), you might be thinking ‘WTF?! Palm reading? Dana?! THE MALL?!’ And you would be right. In certain respects. But on the other hand (again! The hilarity!), this should come as no surprise. After all, there are many things in life that I love, and new agey things of all sorts are included here. Tarot, psychic readings, mediums, and now palmistry: I officially love them all.

A few months ago, I developed a new beauty mark on the palm of my left (dominant) hand. I had never seen a beauty mark on a palm before, so I decided that I must go get my palms read to see if this mark meant anything significant. Not knowing the foggiest bit about the lines, etc. on hands (or about palm reading in general), I still suspected that the specific placement of this beauty mark on my palm would mean something special. Or foreboding. Or downright horrific. You never know, right?

Well, lo and behold, when I stopped at *the mall* on Thursday evening to pick up some final items for the coworker’s baby shower, there were PSYCHICS, TAROT READERS, and PALM READERS right there! Naturally, I figured that this was too easy and that the mall psychics must have been sent to me by the universe in response to my general curiosity about my new mole. So I booked an appointment and prepared to be amazed.

Disclaimer: I fully realize that palm reading, along with most other new agey things, needs to be approached with a great big salt lick. That said, it was pretty interesting to see what secrets and absurdities my hands whispered to a woman who had never met me before. I was very intrigued by my reading, to say the least.

The Good:

Again, for a woman who knows nothing about me, “Sandra” managed to get quite specific during my reading. Apparently, my hands told her that:

– I am actively trying not to conceive and that it’s been this way for quite some time

– I had a miscarriage within the past 3 years

– I would win or had already won many awards in school

– I had recently finished menstruating this month (too much information? Oh, sorry. But it’s true!)

– My career was most likely within the non-profit or helping professions

– I wanted to be a writer

– A very significant male in my life would be both athletic and artistic, and we would travel together

The Bad:

My hands have a pretty twisted sense of humour, I guess, so in addition to all of the fairly accurate things they imparted to Sandra above, they also mentioned that:

– If I get married at all, it will be fairly late in life. I am apparently what one might call a ‘late bloomer’ in love, if you want to believe the lies that my hands are telling Sandra. (Sandra kept asking if this ‘significant male’ in my life– you know, the athletic and artistic one that I travel with– was my brother. Um, no. This is one fallout of having a wedding ring that looks nothing like a wedding ring (see above). Some people don’t realize that you’re married.)

– That when I do get married, it will be primarily to gain status. In other words, my hands casually dropped it into their conversation with Sandra that I would marry for money. If I ever got married, that is (late bloomer, you know). Silly hands.

– I am not a romantic. Right. Um… I can say with the utmost certainly that this is absurd. I am hopelessly (and tragically!) romantic to my core.

The Ugly

According to the lines in my hands:

– I have not one, but two sets of TWINS written into my palms!! That’s 4 times more reason to be preventing conception at all costs! ALL COSTS!!!!

– I might be interested in sexual bondage and/or domination. (?????? Where the hell do my hands say THAT?!!)

It must have been the ring I was wearing that day...

– DID I MENTION THE TWINS!! There’s sets of them etched into my hands! GET THEM OUT!!!!

And What Of The Beauty Mark?

This part was the most interesting, methinks. When I asked Sandra about the significance of the mole, she took out her magnifying glass, peered carefully into it, and studied the placement of my beauty mark silently.

She laughed quietly and then told me:

“The placement of this mark lies at the intersection between two lines and areas on your palm. The first area is called the Deja-Vu area, which suggests to me what what I’m about to tell you is something you have already heard before. The second line in the intersection is the Sugar line, which tells me that you have a very strong sweet tooth, but that all sugars, including milk sugars, make you feel ill. You would do well to avoid too many sugars in your diet.”

BLASTED BEAUTY MARK!!!

Yes, I have indeed heard this information before: from my acupuncturist, from my dear doctor, from my naturopath, from Marty (when he sees me doubled over in pain after trying to satisfy a craving for sweets), and of course, from my own body, who thinks it wants sugar but really shouldn’t have it. And now, even my beauty marks are telling me not to eat too many sugars. FINE!! I HEAR YOU!!!

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Anyway, despite some misses amongst the hits (ahem), I was fairly entertained by Sandra’s reading. Palm reading isn’t something I would have done very frequently, but I was definitely intrigued by her insights and amused by the things that were way off base. (e.g., Me: a dominatrix??! We all know better than that.)