In Search of The World’s Worst Christmas Sweater

Gee, can you tell I am in the middle of my workplace’s fiery version of hell lately? A balance between work and play in my life is pretty much non-existent right now, unless you consider stressing about work EVERY SECOND OF YOUR LIFE, EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SO-CALLED “PLAYING” a healthy balance between work and play…

(Actually, things are not quite that bad just yet. Marty, bless his heart, is making a brave and valiant effort to rescue me from the point of no return and to escort me into the Land of Fun whenever he can, even if it means putting up with some pretty ludicrous ideas (mine, obviously) of what constitutes ‘fun’ these days.)

Speaking of ludicrous conceptions of fun, guess who had the brilliant idea that she wanted to host an Ugly Christmas Sweater Potluck next month? The concept, in itself, I think is hilarious and loads of fun! Can you just picture the scene?: A handful of people coming together for an evening of good food and company, but all decked out in the nastiest holiday sweater that thrift store dollars can buy! Acrylic yarn, snowflakes and/or snowmen, Christmas trees, tiny bells, holiday greens and reds, and glitter- lots and lots of glitter. We all know what constitutes an ugly Christmas Sweater, and I think it would be the best thing ever to have a room full of people wearing them ironically. (In fact, I nearly die laughing every time I picture this in my mind, so yes, you can assume that I am hanging onto my own sanity by a mere thread. Ahem.)

Anyway, now that I have this fabulous (and fun!) idea of the Holiday Sweater Party cemented in my mind, I’m having a difficult (aka ‘non-fun’) time searching for my perfect sweater. I just haven’t found anything that approximates the ugliness of the Christmas Sweater I have in my mind. (Because if you’re going to splurge on a holiday sweater at all, it had better be the WORST and UGLIEST sweater you’ve ever seen. “Aaaah! My eyeballs! They’re melting from the sting of the horribleness of it all!”)

We went to Value Village last night where they have a whole Women: Xmas aisle from which to choose a holiday sweater, but we left empty handed. (Even though everything was 50% off last night, too!) I found some great “Noel” appliqués stuck to a tired red sweatshirt, but I was picturing more of a complicated intarsia knit pattern on a too-tight-in-the-70s-way turtleneck white acrylic sweater. There was a grey sweater with horrific white teddy bears outlined all over the front, but I was hoping for something a little more obviously ‘Christmas’-themed (like Santa! Or a fully-decorated Christmas tree with presents underneath!)

What I am trying to say is that what started out as such a fun plan is quickly becoming less fun when I discover that the holiday sweaters of the world (read: Value Village) are not as nasty as I pictured them to be. However, before I slide back into my doom-and-gloom world of Nothing But Work again, I should remember that I’ve only been to one thrift store so far and that (like Marty says, dear soul) it might still be too early for stores to put out their nastiest selection of Christmas Sweaters just yet. I’m still on the hunt, and you can bet that when I find what I’m looking for, my current Facebook photo will be replaced with a grossly-Vaselined version of my cheery holiday self.

(Sing in Bono voice): “But I stiiiiiiill, haven’t found/what I’m looking for!”

Any suggestions?