The Greyhound Trip From Hell

Hey, you!!

Are you too nice and polite for your own good?

Do you suffer through unreasonable circumstances without ever speaking up?

Are you extremely averse to confrontation and afraid of being the Nice Person Who Finishes Last?

If you answered “YES!” to any of the above questions, then you need to order the new, revolutionary 5-step program that will have you flipping the proverbial bird like a natural!! No more “Shy Violet” or “Mr. Nice Guy”– make way for the DEADLY SHE-WOLF and the RABID BEAST-MAN!

The “Overnight Bus Ride From Vancouver to Calgary”program  combines state-of-the-art psychological research with a unique, experiential learning environment that will have you going from Sweet to SHUT THE EFF UP!!!! in no time!* (*Actual time elapsed during program: 15 1/2 hours)

In just under 16 short hours on the “Overnight Bus Ride From Vancouver to Calgary”, you will learn how to voice your rage and frustration at any/all fellow bus passengers, and your temper’s fuse will be transformed from way-too-long-and-tolerant to extremely-f*cking-short. Say goodbye to your ineffective “church mouse ways” and your “standards of social decency”, and say hello! to cranky outbursts and temper tantrums! All for the low, low price of $115 CDN + applicable taxes!

Actual participants: BEFORE. See how happy, cheerful, and otherwise naive they are?

In Step 1 of the “Overnight Bus Ride From Vancouver to Calgary” program, you will be escorted into our proprietary learning environment, which is otherwise known as The Autobus From Whence There Shall Be No Escape. If you have paid the 2-for-1 program rate and are accompanied by a partner, please feel free to sit together. Otherwise, if you are undertaking the program on your own, may god help you and may He prevent the grossest, smelliest, loudest person from sitting beside you, at least right away.

During Step 1, you will notice single passengers marking their territory and resorting to creative deterrent tactics. Some will place their luggage on the seat beside them in an effort to thwart enemy ‘sitting down’ attempts. Others will sit in the aisle seat, rendering the vacant window seat inconvenient for others to access. Still others will fart loudly and deliberately into the vacant seat vicinity, effectively guaranteeing them a solo ride for as long as possible, or at least until the rancid smell diffuses throughout the rest of the bus and the culprit can no longer be pinpointed. Clever! At this point in the program, you will still be too polite and nice to say anything about these strategies out loud, though you might manage to roll your eyes in an exaggerated fashion or make snappy remarks with your inner voice. “Real mature, guy.” Oooh, snap! 🙂

During Step 2 of the program, evening will turn to night on the autobus, and you will reach aimlessly for your mp3 player, hoping to tune out your surroundings with the musical stylings of Kylie Minogue (for example). At this point, you will hear some hoser a few rows behind you remark loudly: “Yeah, I thought he was a douche bag. But then he got me high, and I thought ‘hey, you’re not so bad anymore’.” Part of you will bristle at the volume of his voice– isn’t it past 10 pm already?– and another part of you will grimace at his lengthy commentary, which consists solely of lame drug and alcohol-related tales. Still, you won’t say anything. You’ll figure, based on the general rules of social niceties, that the people sitting closer to this guy will speak up. After all, he’s even louder where they are sitting. Somebody else will probably deal with this guy, right? (Wrong! So wrong!)

By the time you reach Step 3 of this innovative, transformative program, you will be sleep-deprived and your natural defenses and social filters will be wearing thin. This will put you into a prime learning position. If you nod off into a fitful slumber, our certified instructors have been trained to make an announcement over the intercom system, turn on all the bus lights, and declare it time for a 10-, 15- or even 40- minute stopover. Every other passenger will step off the bus and chain smoke 5 cigarettes right in front of the door during these breaks. Your lungs will burn and you will start shaking a tiny fist of rage at the sky, berating inventors all over the world for not creating a ‘nose plug’ product which could act very much like an ear plug– dulling, if not completely eliminating, unwanted sensations that enter the nasal cavity.  Stupid inventors!

Welcome to Cheery Chilliwack!

Step 4 on the “Overnight Bus Ride From Vancouver to Calgary” program is where the real magic takes place. At precisely 3:30 in the morning, two people right across from you will start chatting loudly in English. They will, for the purposes of teaching you PAIN and SUFFERING, ‘discover’ that they have a lot in common, including an intimate knowledge of the Russian language. So they will switch over into speaking loud, boisterous Russian. At 3:30 am. On The Autobus From Whence There Shall Be No Escape.

You will put in your earplugs. Enthusiastic ‘Nyet’s and ‘Da‘s will still be clearly audible.

You will put your headphones on over your earplugs. You will crank the Kylie. And you will still hear those blasted Russians.

You will try, in vain, to put a toque on over your headphones, which in turn have been placed strategically over your ear plugs. Can you guess whether you will still hear the Russians at this point? Yes, you will!!

The voices of our Russian team leaders have been specially trained to cut through any and all sound barriers. They will chat excitedly, incessantly, and non. f*cking. stop. from 3:30 am onwards! (7 hours straight!)

Your anger and frustration will start to bubble and boil up inside of you. You will make heated accusations in your head, bellowing at their stupid faces to SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY! You will become bitter at the bus driver for not establishing any ground rules or quiet time hours beforehand. You will loathe the Night Owl breed, but especially the Russian Night Owl breed. Everyone should be sleeping when it’s past midnight on the bus!! You will curse whomever invented the Cyrillic alphabet in the first place, and you will hate the Universe for sitting those two strangers beside each other on the bus. You will almost be ready to morph into THE DREADED SHE-WOLF or the RABID BEAST-MAN, but you will require one last step:

Step 5 of our program involves making a pit stop in Golden, BC at the ungodly hour of 6 am. The Russians will have been catching up with each other at high decibels for the last 2 1/2 hours, and you will have managed 45 minutes or so of highly interrupted, not-at-all-restful “sleep”. At this point, the bus driver will make an announcement over the intercom, turn on all the bus lights, and shake you out of the bus directly into the fluorescent-lit arms of the Husky House Restaurant. You will not be permitted back on the bus for 40 minutes, and if you want to sit down inside the restaurant (instead of standing up outside in the freezing cold with a bunch of sketchy truck drivers), you will need to order an All White Breakfast off the Husky menu: toast, scrambled eggs, and hash browns. Even though you packed enough nutritious food with you to feed the entire Russian army for a whole week.

Actual program participant during Step 5 of this remarkable program. “Enjoy the journey”, my ass!!!

You will snap.

Your face will contort into twelve different shades of ugly, and your lips will purse themselves into a tight, raisin-like knot.

You won’t care what you look like or what you sound like by then. You will just shout all sorts of obscenities to random passersby and become a professional bird flipper. Eff you, Russians! Nyet nyet nyet! Eff you, Greyhound! Eff you, Husky hash browns! Eff you, Golden BC! Eff you, lack of sleep! Eff you, ice and snow! Eff you, 15 1/2 hours to get to effin’ Calgary Alberta! EVERYONE MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!

You will actually witness the female Russian slipping on an ice patch outside, and instead of  scurrying to her assistance or asking her if she is okay, you will smile with mirth and twisted delight, and perhaps you will even chortle a little at her misfortune. She-Wolf, indeed! Heart of stone! Cold as ice!!!  Transformation COMPLETE!

We’re so sure that our “Overnight Bus Ride From Vancouver to Calgary” program will transform you from assertive to ANGRY AND AGGRESSIVE in 15 1/2 hours or less that we will guarantee our results! If, for any reason, you are not 100% satisfied with your new-found She-Wolfness or Rabid Beastliness,  simply return your product for a full refund (less ridiculous bus fare and the agonizing 15 1/2 hours of your life spent growing ugly fangs and dark bags under your eyes.) But hurry! This offer is only available for a limited time. Call now! Operators are standing by.

Actual program participants: AFTER. Bloodshot eyes, messy hair, crazy expressions– success!

16 responses

  1. WTF is it with buses ? ! ?
    Always some unusual sociological crap happening.
    Im sure I don’t have to tell you about the Korean rider in Manitoba two years ago that wanted to ‘get ahead’. He ‘snapped’ over …. something.
    Just too cramped would be number one, I guess.

  2. I was laughing at your humor until I realized that I should be violently angry on your behalf. So, from my little porch in Tennessee, I’m Google Translating insults into Russian and cursing buses worldwide.
    P.S. That Cheery Chilliwack picture looks like the creepy alleyways where they always seem to find dead hookers on Law & Order. Ick.

    • That Chilliwack sign was one of about 15 posted in the same area. It was supreme overkill of “Do Not Enter!” and “Employees Only!” signs… ah, vacation! 🙂

  3. You’ve captured it! And with good laughs! I’m battling right now whether my worst trip was from Calgary to Revelstoke in a snowstorm, freezing cold with a sleeping, drunk and very heavy many pinning me to the window and breathing on me or the 60-hour trip, which was just plain long but I was too young and happy to complain. Did you flip the bird at every railway crossing, where l’autobus promptly stops for no reason at all and drives your body into spasms of rage?

    • Luckily, there was only one railroad crossing that I was conscious for (conscious as in ‘not blinded by seething rage’… not necessarily sleeping, of course). I pity you for ever having to take the ‘hound solo. That’s a recipe for disaster!!

  4. Oh dear. I’m sorry if I got your hopes up by being all like “yay buses! you will have a blissful, peaceful time!” Perhaps because my expectations were so low, it seemed more fun than it actually was. Buses are definitely a weird alternate universe where many normal rules of conduct do not apply. Sometimes that can be a good thing… other times, it makes you want to KILL.

    • The upside: We were supposed to take another overnight bus on the way back to Victoria, but our bus was cancelled because of an avalanche past Golden. This meant that we caught a daytime bus (7:45 am to 9:35 pm) the next morning. IT WAS WAAAAAAAY BETTER! We got to check out the scenery en route, plus we weren’t expecting to get any sleep because it was day. So much better. And no Russians! Overnight buses: never. ever. again.

  5. My first peek at your blog, and it’s about the overnight bus trip from Hell — I’ll definitely be back! (I laughed when the female Russian slipped on the ice. I feel guilty about it, but I’m still laughing. I think this program works even if you don’t buy the ticket!)

    • Thanks for stopping by and for joining me in laughing at other people’s misfortunes! 😉 I’m not normally so callous, but 15 1/2 hours on a bus will do that to anybody…

  6. I’m not surprised at all. I was totally waiting for this post. The reason nobody said anything to the idiot in the beginning who was being super loud: people are afraid to get her HEADS CUT OFF while taking the bus. God, I’ll never forget when I heard about that……
    I can feel your pain, seriously. Remember my post about the idiot on the plane to Cuba? And that was only 5 hours of torture. You guys should fly next time. It takes an hour from Vancouver…

    • Touch, Jabba– touch! Getting your head cut off over telling somebody to be quiet is totally not worth it.

      We looked into the cost of flying for this trip, but it was just under $1000 for both of us to go to Calgary for a week. Ridiculous. I’d much rather spend that $1000 we don’t have on a trip to Mexico or Europe. But the overnight bus? Never. Again. Good luck seeing us in Calgary anytime soon, family!

  7. Haven’t heard “hoser” since my misbegotten youth in Michigan… Yeah! Your story trumps my worst travel story – Auckland, NZ, to L.A., CA, USA, 12 1/2 hours in the middle seat of Air New Zealand’s Cattle Class with a crippled, elderly man in the aisle seat, who decided to drink beer and burp it unceremoniously in my direction. The woman by the window must’ve had a steel bladder because I put my tray table down and “slept” on it for as long as I could manage (another one of those “overnight” things).

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