What Happened the Last Time You Lost Weight?

This is one of my favorite questions that Jessica Ortner posed in her best-selling book, The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence, and it’s one that I savored the opportunity to answer in great detail for myself when I first started this coaching journey. Why am I so curious about past attempts to lose weight? Why do I even care what you’ve tried before or what unfolded during that process, aside from the fact that (obviously) “it didn’t work”? Shouldn’t the past be left in the past? I’m glad you asked!

When you commit to answering that same question– honestly, reflectively, and as thoroughly as possible for yourself– a whole world of themes, beliefs, and fears is revealed. We gain meaningful insights into why the diet(s) “didn’t work”, on both conscious and subconscious levels. We discover your unique ideas about “what it takes” to lose weight and to keep it off, as well as the golden nuggets: what you believe about yourself when yet another weight loss attempt fails. Priceless. So:

Here is what I wrote in response to that question. After reading it, I encourage you to take some time to yourself, to grab a soothing hot beverage to sip on, and to journal as much of your own story as you can. Write it down without censoring yourself or worrying about crafting an award-winning essay. This won’t be written for an audience and it certainly won’t be submitted to a panel of grammar judges, so just go ahead: write down what happened the last time you lost weight.

Over the next few blog posts, I will highlight some themes that can be teased out of your answer– food for thought, if you will. I’ll use my own answer as an example on the blog, but if you feel you could benefit from personalized coaching around your specific answer, you’re in luck! I’m offering free sessions around weight loss and body image for a limited time. You can e-mail me and I’ll be happy to set up a private session with you over Skype (you can decide whether you’d like to Skype with video or not).

My answer:

The last time I lost weight, I lost a whole bunch of it (almost 20 pounds) in a relatively short amount of time (just over one month). As is de rigeur for me, I wasn’t following one of the trendy diets (South Beach, Atkins, Paleo, etc.) at all, and I definitely wasn’t worried about counting calories or grams of anything. However, I was undertaking a very regimented “cleanse” type of process– an elimination diet. (You can read about that craziness here.) There was a gigantic list– 7 printed pages, to be exact– of foods that were uniquely “safe”, “neutral”, and “unsafe” for me, which I had obtained through a food sensitivity test. Being the A-student I’ve always been, I had committed to follow those test recommendations to the very letter, and I felt almost excited (thrilled!) to embark on a new culinary challenge. WATCH ME EXCEL AT THIS ELIMINATION DIET! I WILL EMERGE VICTORIOUS AND SLIM!

SEE ME WIN!

A few weeks into the process, yes, I was losing weight, but I felt that I was always in the kitchen, prepping the “right foods” and then doing the dishes afterward. It was a very systematic process, this elimination diet. There was absolutely no room for error, and no one else– not even my dear husband– could be trusted to keep the program unfolding properly. All of the shopping, food prep, meal planning, and raw sauerkraut making fell to me, but no one could have wrestled that control away from me even if they had wanted to or tried. Over my dead (but gloriously slender!) body. I needed to feel in control, even though the responsibilities of overseeing the Elimination Diet overwhelmed me.

Marty and I printed out calendars and stuck them on the kitchen wall– one for each of us. Every morning, we would weigh ourselves and write down our numbers on our respective calendars. I had penciled in ingredients that were being re-introduced or “tested” for each of us on specific days, and if we experienced any suspect symptoms (bloating, gas, heartburn, whatever), we would write those down with diligence, too. We recorded everything. I was losing weight quickly and substantially, and I secretly relished getting to see my numbers shrink while Marty’s stayed relatively the same or crept down slooooooowwwwwly. I win!, I’d crow to myself when I could knock a half-pound off of my weight, but on days when I’d stay the same weight or– gasp– gain a few ounces, I’d be crushed. Why isn’t this working? What am I doing wrong? This can’t be happening to me! It was torture.

This was around the time of the Mayan Prophecy (December 2012), and Marty and I were slated to go back to Calgary in time for the end of the world. (It was important to Marty’s parents that we all be together when the world stopped spinning on its axis, and who were we to argue with them? Or with the Mayans?) Marty’s parents were aware that we were on “a diet” before we arrived, and they fretted as they tried to locate vegan, gluten free, soy free, and sugar free non-perishables to stock for us in the basement, graciously preventing us from starving in case the power went out and civilization halted at the stroke of midnight. On my end, I was fretting about the visit itself. I could sense the disapproval of Marty’s mom from 1100km away, and I hadn’t even started packing for the trip yet. Inconvenient, newfangled, complicated, useless diets. Always failing in the end. Always managing to ruin Christmas dinners in the meantime. 

When we arrived in Calgary, giant knapsack of “safe”, “acceptable” foods in tow (just in case!), I was greeted with outright alarm, as though I was wasting away with a full-blown case of AIDS. You’re so skinny!, Marty’s mom exclaimed in sheer horror, mouth agape. Embarrassed and self-conscious, I tried to deflect her concerns about my figure with mumbles about how the elimination diet had been prescribed for us by a doctor and how it was (sort of) being supervised throughout the process. In the evenings, when I was alone in the bathroom, I would secretly admire my slender thighs in the full-length mirror and whisper a furtive Thank You to the universe for granting me that most coveted of prizes: slimness. Daytime was a different story, though– I was always apologizing for my lithe physique, offering empty quips about candida and sluggish digestion to anyone who approached me with question marks in their voices or eyes, and I basically affirmed on a near-constant basis that my body was only like this for temporary, medical reasons. I felt ashamed and burdensome to be such a culinary nuisance at my in-laws’ house, and I felt mortified well in advance for gaining back the weight– another wacky weight loss scheme, failed. Point: Marty’s mom.

It took me a total of two months to lose that weight and a mere two weeks to gain half of it back again. By then, Marty and I were on a road trip, heading south to the Arizona desert for sunshine, hiking, and relaxation. Before we even hopped into our van for the journey, I had already convinced myself with dismay that maintaining such a strict diet on the road would be difficult-slash-impossible. Lo and behold, I was right. During the two weeks it took us to arrive in Tucson, I didn’t deviate too terribly from my staple veg-and-grain fare. We’d stop in grocery stores and I’d buy hummus and baby carrots. As per usual, I’d slather avocado on everything and eat a small child’s weight in almonds. However, for the amount of weight that piled back onto my body in an alarmingly quick span of time, you’d think that I had switched over to an all-fried, all-the-time diet. Failure had taken hold.

I was mortified by this weight gain, feeling like a miserable, good for nothing elimination dieter and becoming anxious about being the only chubby person enrolled in Holistic Nutrition School (which I had planned to start that September). By the time our vacation was over and we were back in Canada again… I had gained all of the weight I had originally lost on the elimination diet back. A few months after that, too, I had put on even more weight, tipping the scales to the highest they’d ever been for my body, ever. (Note: that’s when I swore off any and all future diets, cleanses, fasts, and other food-based approaches to weight loss. I realized that my mind, my emotions, and my beliefs held way more sway over my body than actual food and calories did, and I couldn’t bear the idea of subjecting myself to any more exercises in willpower, self-control, self-discipline, and winning at diets. No more. Not worth it.)

Anyway. Overall, the last time I lost weight was characterized by:

• A distinct discrepancy between my private admiration of myself and my public apologies and deflections for the way I now looked.
• Not feeling like I could fully step into my slender body, owning it and totally rocking its beauty without shame.
• Definite fear about gaining back the weight– imagining my own failure in advance of it happening and then worrying about having to carry extra weight on my body as a veritable badge of failure. Visible to everyone.
• Signaling to myself and others that being slim was something to defend against– that it wasn’t safe to be slender. I wanted my appearance to be a non-issue amongst my friends and family members, but how could it be so when I was constantly on alert and continually scanning the room for comments or subtle facial expressions that needed to be defended against?
• Feeling the need to justify my weight loss (as well as the pace of my weight loss) to others in quasi-medical terms: “candida”, “gluten intolerance”, “dairy allergies”, “multiple food sensitivities”, and “absorption issues”. Regardless of how true or applicable these terms were/are for me, this only reinforced to my subconscious that ‘x’ degree of weight loss was either impossible at worst or unsafe but temporary at best.
• Comparison, competition, and being overly focused on people’s (real or imagined) reactions to me. I competed with myself (more! faster! better!). I compared my own progress to Marty’s (which makes absolutely no sense, considering I am a woman and he is a very athletic man). I projected all of my insecurities onto other people, believing them to be judging or criticizing me and my body.

Now it’s your turn.

In your journal (or in a new word doc on your computer), ask yourself:

• What happened the last time you lost weight?
• What motivated you to try to lose weight in the first place?
• How did you feel during the process?
• How did others react?
• What sort of program did you follow, and how did it feel adhering to those rules and regulations?
• Did you experience any ‘success’ on your program? If so, what?
• What about ‘failures’? If so, what?
• How long did the process take?
• What felt easy about the process?
• What felt difficult, like an obstacle that needed to be overcome?

Write down as much detail as you can, and once again, don’t worry about the flow or sequence of your story. (My story was edited here to make it more coherent and grammar-tastic, just so you know.) Next time, we’ll dive into some of the themes that can emerge from your answer. These themes might lead you to have lightbulb, ‘a-ha!’ moments on your own, but like I say, if you’d like more personalized support to explore your unique story, just let me know.

Checking in from AZ

Hey there!

This post is meant to be a quick and off-the-cuff love note to you. Marty and I are in Tucson right now, staying at a mildly disgusting motel while we search for an endearing suite to call home for the next few months. We have seen so many places between November and now– San Diego, Orlando, Calgary, Mukilteo, Bellingham, Port Townsend, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, the California Coastline, Joshua Tree National Park, and now Tucson. Whew! I’m feeling more than a little road-weary and definitely ready to ground for a while.

Also: My heart has been crying out to me daily, persistently, urgently, practically non-stop, telling me to Get Going! with my coaching business already. It’s time! I have a zillion and one things to say, a million and one posts to write, a billion and one videos to record, and yet Le Internet has not been so cooperative, especially when we’ve been living out of the back of our van in the middle of nowhere, USA. That’s okay. I’ll be totally ready when The Internet is ready. It’s only a matter of time now…

I love and appreciate you, dear reader. Yes, YOU. And I want to offer you everything that’s been bubbling beneath the surface for a long, long time.

I want to speak with you, dear reader. Yes, YOU. All I’m waiting for is a steady internet connection, and then we can fly together! Thanks to the magic of Skype!

In the meantime, here are some things I’ve been pondering lately. If you’ve been thinking about the same sorts of things, let’s set up a time to talk, okay? You can email me (dana DOT m DOT machacek AT gmail DOT com) and I’ll let you know as soon as I have the internet up and running. There will be no cost, no expectations, and no set ‘program’ to follow when we chat. I just want (and need) to flow. And I want you (yes, YOU) to be a part of that flow. Sound good? Okay. Does any of this resonate:

• Does your inner critic have a lot to say about your body and physical appearance? Do you believe you have to wait to do certain exciting things in your life (i.e. get promoted, fall in love, finally publish that book you’ve been working on, have fun, etc.) until you’ve lost a certain amount of weight? Let’s talk.
• Are you totally bogged down in diet/weight loss information– lists of foods that are “allowed” and “good for you”, counting calories/grams/exercise minutes/miles, etc.? Would you rather take a more intuitive approach to food, weight, and body image? Let’s talk.
• Are you running out of willpower, self-discipline, and self-control when it comes to dieting, eating right, or being healthy? Are you looking for another way? Let’s talk.
• Do you sense that your weight issues might have a substantial emotional component to them? Are you an emotional eater? Does your physical body act as a protective buffer or boundary of sorts against certain people, situations, or places? Let’s talk.
• Do you feel a little dumb or superficial even thinking about losing weight? After all, aren’t there more important things to deal with (like fostering world peace and discovering a cure for cancer?) If a part of you wants to lose weight but another part of you feels like a traitor to women’s rights for even thinking about it, let’s talk.

Here’s the scoop: I’m just getting started on this “weight loss coaching” journey, so I’d love to offer a free session (or perhaps free sessions) to women who are struggling with their weight, who have tried dieting in the past, and who are looking for a completely new approach to their bodies and weight issues. 30-45 minutes sound good? You can set up a free session with me via e-mail, even if you’ve been a coaching client of mine in the past– the free part is open to everyone. 🙂 I’ll ask you to complete a short intake questionnaire before we set up a time to Skype, just so I can tailor our session to your specific needs and wants. Skype works best for me, and right now we are in the Arizona Time Zone. If you live across the world but still want to talk, we can also do “sessions” via e-mail, or I can record a video for you to watch. Or we can coordinate a time via the world clock! Let’s do this, sister! dana DOT m DOT machacek AT gmail DOT com. Do eet. I can’t wait! xoxo

My “Oh Sh*t” Moment

We’ve all heard of (and likely experienced) “Aha!” moments, right? Aha moments are awesome; through them, difficult, tangled-up issues can be unraveled with ease and solutions to long-standing problems suddenly seem self-evident, like they’ve been there all along.

Recently, I’ve experienced the exact opposite of an “Aha!” moment. I like to call it my “Oh Sh*t!” moment. Oh, sh*t, indeed. Picture the scene:

I’ve been feeling apprehensive and ungrounded lately, like I’ve been walking in ill-fitting shoes. As excited as I am to go to nutrition school in the fall, I’ve also been silently/secretly berating myself for gaining back all of the weight I lost on my food sensitivity diet. (What kind of holistic nutritionist gains weight? What kind of holistic nutritionist is preoccupied with her weight in the first place?) I’ve been feeling like a fraud for pursuing this path while I’m not at ‘my best’ in the physical sense. I’ve weighed less before. I’ve fit into slimmer jeans before. I’ve felt leaner and more energetic before. I’ve eaten cleaner foods before.  I’ve looked “more holistic” before, whatever the eff that means.

To make matters worse, I’ve been hyper-critical of myself… for being critical of myself. (I know. WTF?) Every time I catch myself feeling sluggish or heavy, and every time I steal a furtive glance at the pants which function more like a full-torso tourniquet now, my Inner Judge pulls out the “starving children in Africa” spiel. You know the type:

Who are you to be concerned about your weight?

You’re not obese or even significantly overweight! Many people would kill to fit into your jeans! Your BMI is normal! Every pie chart, bell curve, and graph in the doctor’s office puts you solidly at ‘where you should be for your height and weight’, so what exactly is your complaint? (PS: I thought you were a feminist!)

or:

Your problems are so trivial in comparison to the rest of the world’s issues.

Think of starving children! Think of Africa! Think of AIDS and genocide and war and many other terrible things. Who are you to complain about not fitting into skinny jeans? Pfft…

Is this seriously all you care about? Fitting into those pants? REALLY?

My mind was all a-chatter and my spirit felt uneasy and conflicted. I wasn’t sure how to get unstuck or how to move forward without feeling inauthentic or like a raging Negative Nancy.

So I asked for help.

I sent an earnest S.O.S. out into the Universe. “Please, Universe– show me how to be comfortable in my skin and how to think loving and accepting thoughts about myself. Please point me to the right path. Please open up the necessary doors. Love, Dana”

Lo and behold, a book fell into my lap (or rather, I suddenly discovered a book at the public library the very next day). I knew this book was the Perfect Book For Me To Read, because a tiny voice inside my heart said “Yes! Here it is!”, but the bellowing voice of my ego yelled,

Oh, sh*t!

Ah, yes. Enter the Oh Sh*t Moment. This book is called “A Course in Weight Loss” and is written by Marianne Williamson. Based on the principles of “A Course in Miracles”, this book offers 21 lessons in how to move from fear to love when it comes to our bodies and the food we choose to feed them. It’s not about forcing our bodies to eat certain foods, adhere to a particular calorie count, or to exercise a certain number of minutes at a certain level of intensity each day. Instead, it’s about tackling the stickier, spiritual aspects of ourselves that often get lodged in our physical bodies as aches, pains, or extra weight. Sludgy things like guilt, shame, anger, jealousy, and hurt. Now, I know what you’re thinking because I thought it, too:

Oh, sh*t!

As soon as my ego saw that hard work would be involved– that I couldn’t just find a new diet to try or follow a new list of foods that could or couldn’t be eaten– it rebelled in a big way. ‘Oh, sh*t!!!!’, it screamed. That, and the even classier “Eff you, Marianne Williamson!!!” First, it tried delay tactics:

“We probably shouldn’t start on Lesson 1 until our lives are free from all chaos, appointments, To Do Lists, chores, distractions, work, and other life activities (even pleasant ones).”

In other words: never.

The next tactic was to speed through everything:

“I have an idea! We love to learn, so let’s just skim through the whole book at breakneck speed and absorb all of the insights and knowledge through painless osmosis! We can read through all the lessons in advance and make rational, intellectual decisions about which activities (if any) are most applicable to our unique situation. We are so special, though, I would be surprised if anything in this book applies to us personally at all…”

In other words: let’s go through the motions but not do any real work. Ever.

To my surprise and delight, though, I made it through Lesson One, dear readers. Yes I did! It took me two full weeks, not to mention all of my courage, strength, and determination. (I jest… but not really.) I had to wrestle with my mind and train my hand to actually write everything down as the Lesson suggested. It also took a healthy dose of patience to not skip ahead and read Lesson Two (just so I would ostensibly “know what was coming up”). I did it, though, and am now halfway through Lesson Two (without even peeking ahead to Lesson Three! Go, me!)

I know that some people do well with meal planning, pedometers, bathroom scales, and measuring cups when it comes to trimming down and shaping up. (Heck, I do well with those sorts of things but always end up back where I started– i.e., heavier than I want to be and feeling guilty or anxious about food.) Something inside of me just keeps saying, though, “Information is not enough. Knowing about vitamins and minerals is not enough. Healthy food is important, but a healthy spirit matters, too.”

And so here I am: embarking on the harder, more taxing, but potentially more rewarding work of checking myself before I wreck myself. I’m taking my “Oh, sh*t” moment and hoping to turn it into a lasting “Aha!”

I’ll be honest– the process is freaking me out because I’m turning over a lot of psychic stones that I thought were better left undisturbed. Control issues. Insecurities. Buried resentments. Shame. I’m examining a lot of my core beliefs and questioning why I am the way I am, and why I do things the way I do. (Thankfully, the Universe also dropped another book in my lap to help me cope with my feelings of alarm, panic, and overwhelm. While we’re on the topic, I highly recommend Nick Ortner’s “The Tapping Solution” to help put a positive, manageable spin on Issues That Seem Too Big To Handle.)

 Anybody else here struggle with weight issues?

How do you get to a place of love and acceptance for yourself?

How do you silence your own inner critic, regardless of whether it’s weight-related or not?

I’d love to hear from you, and thank you in advance for sharing your insights!