In Which I Connect The Dots, An Hour Too Late

*Gross-out post alert!*

Remember last year’s short-lived Dana L. bumpwatch? You know, that day when I arrived to work all normal-like and then proceeded to projectile vomit everywhere? For no apparent reason? And everybody assumed I was pregnant? That was a strange and bewildering day.

I knew I wasn’t pregnant (taking charge of my fertility, I’ll have you know), but I wondered at the time if I was experiencing delayed food poisoning from my trip to Tofino. Perhaps something had spoiled a bit without me noticing? Maybe I had contracted a delayed-onset stomach bug somewhere on Long Beach? Being violently ill just didn’t make sense for that particular morning, especially because all I had eaten before the fateful barf-o-rama began was a wholesome and simple vegan shake with hemp protein, rice milk, and banana. (I know this because I was keeping a meticulous diet diary at the time for my doctor, thank you very much.)

I later conferred with this wonderful doctor of mine about the incident, and we concluded that: a) the sickness only lasted a few hours and b) I was fully recovered, so… why were we talking about this again? (Just kidding. He gave me a few encouraging nods and THEN we decided we were bored of talking about that. So we started talking about turmeric and kale instead.)

Anyway, last Friday night, Marty and I completed a pretty gruelling home workout (we’re so fit!) and recharged afterward by splitting (what else?) a wholesome vegan shake with hemp protein, rice milk, and banana. I was feeling fine until about an hour after the cool down, and then I felt unbearably full and heavy.

‘I am so full!‘, I exclaimed, surprised by how rigid and round my stomach felt, like a balloon.

‘It’s because you had some protein‘, Marty responded, and that’s when my mind did a simple ‘1 + 1 = 2’ calculation and my heart sank…

Abridged excerpt from my (admittedly simple) mind:

‘La la la. Yum, protein! I’m so strong and my body is so full of muscles! La la la, hemp powder! So tasty! Hmm, when’s the last time I had that? Oh yeah, some time last June, right before…. wait a minute. This isn’t good. OhmygodI’mgoingtobesick.”

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There is one more thing you should know about me, and it is that I am very afraid of vomiting. Throwing up terrifies me to my very core, and- given the choice- I would gladly suffer through 100 migraines before having to throw up once. (I would make a poor bulimic.) There’s just something about being crouched on a cold floor in front of a toilet bowl that makes me all squirrely. I get to be like a rabid dog of sorts when I’m sick in that way: trembling, frothing, shivering, crying, hyperventilating, and making loud and frightening noises that sound nothing like me. (Plus, I have this thing where I must clean the toilet before I get sick, and the very act of cleaning the toilet is what usually makes me sick…)

And I was sick on Friday night. Sick until there was nothing left to be sick with, and still gagging after that. Blech. The upside? Now I know that I either have a raging allergy to something in that protein powder (Vega brand, because inquiring minds need to know), or that the hemp in the powder has been rancid in both of the containers I’ve tried. (Marty only experienced a slight gurgle in his stomach, and our properly stored containers don’t expire until next year, so I suspect a vicious allergy.) In any case, guess who will never again have a wholesome vegan shake with hemp protein, rice milk, and banana? I can think of at least one person…