Counting Down

Holy HELL, I only have three more days at work! Eep! I’ve been contemplating and dreaming about this moment for what feels like a very long time, and I even gave my workplace more notice than was officially needed for my resignation. But! Now that the Big Day is nearly upon me (FRIDAY!), I’m in a little bit of a state. I can’t believe I’m leaving my job!!

Overall, I still feel excited about the future and confident that putting my notice in was the right decision. However, sometimes I catch a wave of craziness sweeping over me. I’m leaving my job! ME, of all people!! Have I lost my freaking mind?! Normally, I’m all about routines, comfort, and a certain level of predictability. I generally don’t take risks, especially ones involving my finances. But here I go, leaving a job with decent pay and great benefits to brave the potential ups and downs of the bohemian lifestyle. And I feel excited about it! Nay, thrilled!!!

It was a very long and sometimes painful process to get to the point where embarking on a new career path seemed more life-affirming than terrifying. First, there was the guilt. The thought of handing my responsibilities over to my already-burdened colleagues, just so I could go hang out by the water and have fun, created sickening knots of worry in my stomach. Guilty feelings sat like heavy stones inside of me and easily weighed down any fanciful thoughts I had of pursuing my dreams or indulging my creative side. Guilt kept me paralyzed and in my place for a considerable stretch of time.

Then there were doubts– so many doubts. I wondered a lot about the economy and also about the weather. Was it wise to leave a secure position in the midst of an uncertain economy and a potentially cold and wet summer? Could I really handle the petty politics and the mini-dramas of the inner harbour, day in and day out? Should I be focusing on my own creative path, rather than taking on a more supportive summer role for my husband? (i.e. Should I be busting out, Independent Woman style? Or could working with/for my partner be considered a feminist move? Feminist enough?)

Doubt paved the way for anxiety and hypothetical disaster scenarios. Could we still afford to pay our rent? Buy our groceries? Treat ourselves to evenings out and occasional nice things? What if one of us busted all of our teeth out and needed a dentist, badly? What would we do? And how would we manage if ____________ happened? Dear god, how would we cope when the world came crashing down all around us?

Sweet Jesus.

Somehow, despite my over-sensitive Panic Button and fine-tuned Guilt-O-Meter, I’m still feeling excited about this move, so it has to be a good thing, right? I’m at the point where trying the art business out– even if we fail at it (and I hate failing)– is more important to me than staying in the same place and not taking the chance at all. I need to know that both of us put 100% into this endeavour and to see where that gets us. If I didn’t leave my job, I’d always wonder what could have been, if only…

An added bonus is that I truly believe that Marty and I can do exceptionally well on this path, as a team! I have a really good feeling about this whole thing, and that feeling alone helps keep me grounded when the urge to yell JUST KIDDING! I’m not actually resigning! to my coworkers whilst laughing like a madwoman washes over me…

Three more days.

9 responses

  1. Your experience last year must have been the basis for this decision. Not only do you enjoy being at the causeway, but you know how your presence affects sales positively and simultaneously frees Marty to actually be a working artist while there. Demonstrating the making of art was one of the fundamental considerations when the City first began the artist program back in the 80’s. It was based on the Stanley Park model to act as a supplement/complement to an already beautiful location by adding ‘interest and activity’.

    I don’t have to tell you there is nary a day goes by on the causeway without some kind of social drama. It is a function of such a concentrated social setting. Your concern about if one of you ‘busted all our teeth out’ unfortunately has more substance/risk than anyone would ever realize considering some of the regular street characters we encounter. But then, that grittiness is part of the appeal, right? Where else are you going to get the chance to have an adult sea otter go scampering past you some evening?

    One ‘behind the scenes’ ongoing drama with a historic undercurrent hopefully will play out so that Marty doesn’t have to expose his back to any more risk than he does now.
    Good Luck to both of you, Dana.

  2. It reminds me of the night (the long, long night) that we sat up having to make the decision to leave Vancouver. The thought that kept coming back for me was ’20 years from now if we don’t do this, I’ll look back and wonder “what if” ‘……

    • Yes! I keep thinking of the Anais Nin quote, too: “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”.

      I’m pretty sure I won’t be looking back in 25 years or whatever and thinking “If ONLY I had stayed at my day job and shut the door of possibilities.” Worst case scenario: it rains every single day this summer, we don’t sell a solitary thing down at the Harbour, and I have to come back to my job as a temp during the busy season (which my colleageus would LOVE). Meh. I can take that chance! πŸ™‚

  3. It sounds like you have the right attitute, Dana. All the worry in the world won’t bring your dreams to you; you have to go out and take a chance! I hope you have the chance to celebrate your transition to full-time artistic manager of MartyCultural.

  4. It all sounds so exciting and crazy all the the same time. WOO-HOO to you guys! πŸ™‚ You’re more brave than I am. Hello stability and pay cheques! Why am I a sucker?

    πŸ™‚ See you in the causeway. I’m sure Jon and I will be down for a stroll.

  5. Congratulations, it all sounds perfect and right to me! Savour this ~ I don’t miss my day jobs one smidge. Trust in the law of abundance. Off topic – what was the name of the Calgarian psychic. I saw one too way back and she was right on with a bunch of things. I guess Calgary’s kind of huge though πŸ˜‰

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